Let’s Talk About Sex: Rediscovering God’s Design for Marital Intimacy
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. - 1 Corinthians 7:3
Sex is one of those subjects that the church has often avoided. Sometimes we treat it as too uncomfortable to discuss, and other times we talk about it in a way that makes people believe it is dirty or shameful. Meanwhile, our culture tends to treat sex as a cheap thrill—something casual, disposable, and disconnected from commitment. Neither approach reflects God’s design. God created sex, and within the covenant of marriage, it is a beautiful gift meant for connection, pleasure, unity, and the creation of life.
Amy and I wanted to have this conversation because if the church and Christian families refuse to talk honestly about sex, people will learn about it somewhere else. Our children and grandchildren will hear about it from friends, culture, social media, or pornography. Those influences will never give them a complete picture of what God intended. We need to be willing to bring this subject into the light and talk about it in a way that is biblical, honest, respectful, and free from unnecessary shame.
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that Amy and I did not get this right from the beginning. We had sex before marriage, became pregnant, and entered our marriage without understanding or respecting God’s covenant. Pornography was also part of our relationship during those early years. We were looking for something to create excitement or fulfillment, but it distorted our understanding of intimacy and contributed to the disconnection we experienced during the first 15 years of our marriage.
We have now lived approximately half of our marriage without truly following Christ and the other half with Christ at the center. We know what both sides look like, and I can confidently say that every part of life is better with Jesus—including our physical relationship. Before Christ became the foundation of our marriage, sex was often little more than a physical act. We did not understand the deeper emotional, spiritual, and covenant connection God intended. Once we surrendered our marriage to Jesus, intimacy became more meaningful, fulfilling, and safe because it was no longer about chasing the next experience. It became about knowing and serving one another.
Pornography creates the opposite kind of relationship. It teaches us to consume, compare, and seek increasingly intense experiences. In many ways, it functions like a drug because the mind can become accustomed to one level of stimulation and then begin searching for something stronger. What may begin with suggestive images on social media can gradually lead someone into increasingly explicit or destructive material. It does not remain separate from marriage. It eventually affects how a person views sex, their expectations of their spouse, and their ability to experience genuine intimacy.
Sexual sin rarely affects only the two people immediately involved. It can damage a marriage, wound children, divide families, disrupt churches, and hurt entire communities. That is why Scripture treats sexual sin so seriously. But if pornography, premarital sex, an affair, or another sexual struggle is part of your story, I do not want you to hear condemnation from me. Amy and I have made our own mistakes, and Jesus completely transformed our lives. You are not too far gone. Through confession, repentance, accountability, and the power of Christ, darkness can be brought into the light and genuine change can begin.
When we talk about improving sexual intimacy in marriage, most people immediately focus on what happens in the bedroom. I believe intimacy begins much earlier. Husbands, if there is no closeness in the bedroom, we need to look honestly at the preparation we are—or are not—doing outside of it. Are we helping carry the responsibilities of the home? Are we listening to our wives? Are we asking about their lives and taking an interest in what they are experiencing? Are we showing affection without expecting anything in return? Are we continuing to pursue them, or did we stop making an effort once we got married?
I once heard a pastor compare the way some men pursue their wives to deer hunting. A hunter prepares his clothes and equipment, goes into the woods, waits patiently, gets the deer, has it processed, hangs it on the wall, and then forgets about it. Unfortunately, many men approach marriage the same way. Before marriage, we shower, put on deodorant, plan dates, listen carefully, and make every effort to win her heart. Once we are married, we act as if the pursuit is finished. We cannot expect a thriving intimate relationship if we have stopped intentionally pursuing the woman we married.
A major part of that pursuit is learning your spouse’s love language, but we need to go deeper than simply knowing its name. For example, quality time means something different to Amy than it does to me. I can feel like we have spent quality time together simply because we were in the same room. For Amy, quality time requires focused attention, conversation, and connection. Knowing that her love language is quality time is not enough; I need to understand what quality time actually looks like to her.
The same principle applies to physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and every other way people receive love. Become a student of your spouse. Ask what makes them feel loved instead of assuming you already know. You may have been married for decades, but your spouse continues to grow and change. After 30 years of marriage, Amy and I can still use conversation cards and discover things we never knew about each other.
Honest communication has been one of the greatest changes in our marriage. There was a recent season when Amy was experiencing intense stress at work and frequently did not want to have sex. At first, I felt rejected because I did not understand what was happening. Once we had an honest conversation, she explained that she could not turn off everything happening in her mind. Even if we entered the bedroom, she was not mentally or emotionally present.
That conversation changed how I responded. Instead of making the situation about me, I could help her work through the stress. We could go for a walk, talk about her day, or find another way to help her decompress. I do not want sex with Amy simply to check a box or satisfy a physical urge. I want us both to be present and to share genuine intimacy. Understanding what she was experiencing helped me love and serve her instead of taking her exhaustion personally.
At the same time, repeated rejection can deeply hurt a spouse. It can create loneliness, insecurity, and the feeling that they are no longer desired. Rather than offering a different excuse every night, we need to be honest with ourselves and our spouses. Is the problem exhaustion, stress, physical discomfort, unresolved conflict, emotional disconnection, trauma, or something else? “Not tonight” must always be respected, but it should not end the conversation indefinitely. A healthy response is compassion followed by an honest discussion at an appropriate time about what is happening and how the couple can address it together.
Couples should also develop consistent nonsexual affection. If a wife rarely touches or kisses her husband and then suddenly becomes more affectionate one evening, he may interpret that as a signal that she wants sex. The same can happen in reverse. Regular hugs, kisses, cuddling, hand-holding, and affectionate touches create closeness without making every touch feel like a promise or demand. When affection is a normal part of the marriage, couples are less likely to misunderstand one another’s intentions.
Unresolved conflict also affects intimacy. Although some people can temporarily compartmentalize an argument, it is difficult to experience real closeness while carrying resentment, hurt, or bitterness. Do not wait until you are in the bedroom to bring up every grievance. Create regular opportunities to discuss what is happening in your marriage. Listen to understand your spouse’s heart instead of preparing your defense. Intimacy becomes much safer when both spouses know they can speak honestly and still be treated with love and respect.
Amy and I allowed our lives to revolve around our children for many years. We thought we were doing something good because we loved them and wanted to give them everything we could. But while we were prioritizing our children, we were neglecting God and neglecting our marriage. We nearly destroyed the very family we were trying so hard to serve. The proper order is God first, your spouse second, and your children after that. Your children need to see that God is the foundation of your home and that their parents are united, connected, and committed to one another.
This means making space for your marriage in every season. When your spouse comes home after a difficult day, give them a little time to decompress. Husbands, if your wife has been home with children all day, take over so she can have that same opportunity. Check in with each other during the afternoon and ask how the day is going. If your spouse is functioning at 20 percent, be prepared to bring the other 80 percent. That kind of partnership creates emotional safety and strengthens the connection that eventually carries into the bedroom.
Do not play games or expect your spouse to read your mind. This is real life, not a romantic movie. Passive hints and unspoken expectations almost always produce disappointment. If you need something, communicate it lovingly and clearly. If one spouse feels emotionally neglected and responds by withholding physical intimacy, while the other feels physically rejected and responds by withdrawing emotionally, the marriage can become trapped in a vicious cycle. Someone must be willing to stop the cycle by choosing humility, communication, and service.
Jesus said that He came to serve rather than to be served. That same posture should shape our marriages. Neither spouse is entitled to the other person’s body, and sex should never be forced, coerced, manipulated, or used as a weapon. At the same time, both spouses should care about the other’s needs and look for loving, mutually agreed-upon ways to serve one another. Biblical intimacy is not about one person always getting what they want. It is about two people seeking the good of one another.
Couples also need to discuss expectations about frequency and desire outside the bedroom. If one spouse expects sex multiple times a week and the other expects it a few times a year, disappointment is inevitable unless those expectations are discussed. The goal is not to create a rigid quota. It is to understand each other, consider the season of life you are in, and find a healthy rhythm together.
At one point, Amy and I used a simple one-to-ten scale to communicate our level of desire. We kept dry-erase markers by the bathroom mirror, and each of us would write down a number. Most nights, my number was considerably higher than hers, but the system removed the uncertainty and helped set realistic expectations. More importantly, it challenged me to ask what I could do to help Amy feel more loved and connected. Over time, my thinking began to shift from, “How can I get what I want?” to, “How can I love my wife well?”
Physical intimacy will also change throughout different stages of life. Pregnancy, parenting young children, aging, medical conditions, hormones, medication, stress, and emotional health can all affect desire and ability. Past sexual trauma can have an especially deep impact. Amy has shared that she was molested as a child and that pornography was present during the abuse. For years, certain images made her physically nauseated, but we did not communicate enough about what she had experienced or how it affected her.
If your spouse has experienced sexual abuse or assault, you must approach them with patience, tenderness, and compassion. Create a safe place for honest conversation. Do not pressure them or take their struggle personally. Healing is possible through Christ, but it can take time and may also require help from a qualified Christian counselor or trauma-informed professional. Your role is not to demand that they “get over it.” Your role is to walk beside them as they heal.
Strong marital intimacy is built through small, intentional choices. Protect regular date nights, even if a date is only a walk around the neighborhood, coffee together, a picnic, a board game after the children go to bed, or an uninterrupted conversation at home. Schedule regular check-ins and ask about each other’s highs and lows. Practice reflective listening by allowing one person to speak while the other listens to understand and then reflects what they heard. Use “I feel” statements instead of accusations such as “You never” or “You always.”
Most importantly, stay grounded in God’s Word, prayer, and Christian community. Hard seasons will come, but they become even harder when we neglect our relationship with God and isolate our marriage from others. Find people who support your marriage, encourage you, pray with you, and help you remain accountable.
Sex is a wonderful gift, but it is not God. It cannot become the source of our identity, security, or fulfillment. Jesus must remain at the center of our hearts and our marriage. When our relationship with Him is properly aligned, we become better equipped to love, understand, forgive, serve, and pursue our spouse. That is when physical intimacy becomes what God intended it to be—not a performance, a transaction, or a selfish pursuit, but a beautiful expression of covenant love between a husband and wife.
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