God, Why Us? Finding Faith Through Loss, Marriage, and the Unexpected
What do you do when the life you prayed for takes a turn you never expected? When the wedding is barely over and devastating news arrives? When you love God, but you’re angry, confused, and wondering why He hasn’t answered the way you hoped?
In this episode of Kingdom Chaos, we sat down with Tolu and Esther for an honest conversation about those questions. Their story reminded us that following Jesus doesn’t spare us from heartbreak. It gives us Someone to turn to when we don’t know how to take the next step.
The conversation actually began with a beautiful moment from their marriage. For their tenth anniversary, Tolu surprised Esther by arranging for them to reaffirm their vows at church. Troy had the privilege of being there, and what stayed with him was the way they prayed for each other. He had prepared what he thought he would say, but when Tolu and Esther began sharing their hearts, the moment became more meaningful than anything he could have planned. Watching them, he knew this was a story we wanted our Kingdom Chaos family to hear.
What made that moment so powerful was everything those ten years held. Their love had carried them through grief, parenting challenges, financial uncertainty, and seasons when trusting God was difficult. When they stood together and prayed, they were bringing all of that history with them. They knew what it meant to keep choosing each other when life looked nothing like they had imagined.
Just a week or two after their wedding, Tolu and Esther learned that Esther’s mother had stage four cancer. They had expected their first year to involve adjusting to marriage, learning each other’s habits, and making plans for the future. Suddenly, those concerns felt small. They were newlyweds trying to understand how to face a devastating diagnosis together.
Both of them asked God why. Esther was watching the strong mother she had always known become increasingly ill. Tolu was trying to figure out how to support his wife while carrying questions of his own. He couldn’t explain what was happening or promise that everything would turn out the way they wanted. What he could do was ask God for the strength to love Esther through it.
That part of their story matters so much for marriage. There are moments when we desperately want to fix what our spouse is experiencing, but we can’t take away the diagnosis, reverse the loss, or find words that make everything better. We can sit beside them. We can listen, pray, and keep showing up. Tolu’s commitment to be present became one of the ways Esther experienced God’s love during a season when she struggled to understand it.
Esther also shared the guilt she carried after her mother died. Someone had told her that praying a certain way could bring healing, and afterward, she blamed herself for not doing enough. Hearing that was heartbreaking. Prayer is an invitation to bring our needs to God, but it does not give us control over another person’s life. A loved one’s death is not proof that we failed to pray correctly. People who are grieving need room to mourn without carrying the added weight of believing the loss was their fault.
One image Esther described stayed with us. At her mother’s burial, a storm rolled in, and she saw Tolu standing in the rain as the casket was lowered. Later, that memory became a powerful reminder of the love and support God had placed in her life. Tolu remembered the promise he had made to her mother to love her daughter. He knew he couldn’t fill the space her mother left, but he wanted to honor that promise. In the middle of a day filled with pain, his presence communicated something words couldn’t.
As we listened, we were reminded that asking God why can be part of an honest relationship with Him. We don’t have to pretend to understand something that has broken our hearts. We can bring Him our anger, confusion, disappointment, and fear. Tolu and Esther’s faith grew as they learned to have those conversations with God and continue turning toward Him, even when answers didn’t come quickly.
Tolu’s willingness to trust God had roots in his own difficult journey. He spoke openly about a season of depression in college, when guilt and isolation left him feeling unable to come back to God. He eventually reached a point of considering ending his life. In that darkness, he experienced a deeply personal reminder that God knew him, loved him, and still had purpose for his life. He described the journey afterward as a process of God walking him back toward the light.
We were grateful for his honesty. Stories like his make room for people to admit what they are carrying. Esther also spoke about her experiences with anxiety, depression, and postpartum struggles. Their openness reminded us how much people need places where they can tell the truth and receive support. Struggling does not make someone less worthy of love or less welcome in the family of God.
Their conversation about parenting brought that same honesty into everyday family life. Tolu and Esther laughed about seeing their own personalities reflected in their children, but they also acknowledged how parenting exposes areas where they still need to grow. Tolu described realizing that some of his reactions were connected to hurts from his own childhood. Those moments challenged him to bring those wounds to God rather than allow familiar patterns to continue.
We especially appreciated their willingness to let their children see that Mom and Dad are still learning. As Amy shared in our conversation, being able to say, “I shouldn’t have responded that way,” or “I need a few minutes,” helps build trust. Our children need boundaries and accountability, and they also need to see us take responsibility for our own mistakes. When we practice humility, we help make home a place where they can be honest about their struggles, too.
Tolu and Esther also shared how their son TJ’s autism diagnosis challenged their expectations and revealed fears they needed to work through. Connecting with other families helped them learn and find support. Over time, their focus shifted toward understanding their son’s needs, recognizing his gifts, and asking how they could care for him well. They spoke with such love about the responsibility God had entrusted to them.
That is a meaningful question for every parent: How do we faithfully care for the child in front of us? We can become so focused on the future we pictured that we miss opportunities to understand who our children are. Loving them well involves listening, learning, seeking resources, and adjusting our expectations as we help them grow.
Later, Esther faced another painful loss when her older sister died after having brain cancer. Their relationship had been strained, and there were experiences Esther had hoped they would share that never happened. Still, she was grateful for moments of connection before her sister passed, including singing to her in the hospital and recognizing that her sister knew she was there. Esther described facing that loss with a different sense of peace, shaped by the ways God had met her through earlier grief. The sadness was real, and so was the hope she carried.
Their story also challenged us to think about obedience and what we consider success. Tolu shared that he left a job requiring extensive travel because he believed God was calling him to step away. He expected another opportunity to come quickly. Instead, he spent two years without work. That season brought financial pressure and difficult questions, but it also allowed him to be present for his wife and children in ways his travel schedule had prevented.
We connected with that part of their story. When Troy stepped down from his church role and we began pursuing the ministry God had placed on our hearts, we had our own questions about what the future would look like. Soon afterward, an opportunity came for Troy to care for our grandson during the week. At first, it was hard to see how that would fit with building a ministry. Through prayer, he began to recognize the value of being present in our grandson’s life. Caring for him has also helped Troy slow down and make room for family in the middle of the work.
We left this conversation grateful for Tolu and Esther’s willingness to share the beautiful and painful parts of their lives. Their marriage reflects years of prayer, forgiveness, growth, and choosing to love each other through uncertainty. They are still learning, just as we are. Their testimony gives us a picture of what it can look like to depend on God while continuing to care for the people He has placed beside us.
If you are asking, “God, why us?” today, you have room to bring that question to Him. You don’t have to find the right words before you pray, and you don’t have to carry the pain alone. Tell someone you trust what is happening. Let others pray with you, sit with you, and help you take the next step. Our prayer is that this conversation reminds you that you are loved in the middle of your questions—and that even here, you can keep turning toward Jesus.
Listen to: God, Why Us? Finding Faith Through Loss, Marriage, and the Unexpected
